There is no do not disturb setting for pregnancy loss. I think people assume you wake up one morning pregnant and go to bed beginning to process a loss. That’s not always the case.

Motherhood is so layered. I’ve slowly been easing my way back into society it seems like. It’s been difficult but I am reminded I am stronger than I believe I am at times. I remembered looking at the ceiling from my bed thinking I am able to help everyone except the life growing inside me and wanted to crawl under a rock. I realized when it happened that “it’s not my fault,” but better said than done honestly. Emotional pain hurts. My confidence took a huge hit, but I’m coming back. 

This miscarriage required carrying my baby a little more than a week after finding out the bad news.

Am I suppose to wear a sign? I don’t know what I need until it’s offered and I accept it. You are given options. Several appointments follow. I was scared I’d start hemorrhaging because I have to be on blood thinners when pregnant. The morning sickness did not stop until after the baby was out of my body nine (9) days later. Confusing is an understatement. 

If I wanted a pity party, I’d send an Evite and invite everyone to it. 

You’re invited! Join me for a Pity Party! Bring my baby’s heartbeat back with your stories, strangers experiences, and tears! Remember non-alcoholic beverages only because the baby has a small chance of still being alive. We will know for sure next week!      

Super awkward right?

Having living children does not make the loss less difficult. I came home and took my toddler out her crib from a nap. Holding her didn’t take the pain away. I wept in my stepson’s arms when I saw him. He just held me and let me cry. There is a lot of shame that comes with not being able to hold yourself together in front of children. They are great motivators for getting your shit together. 

I don’t know who this new me is yet. “I don’t feel like talking” expresses that confusion. All I know is there are multiple layers of guilt and shame to work through. Only God knows how long it will take me to heal from this loss. 

Only I bonded with the life inside me and felt that life end. We went to Paris, New York, and Ohio together. I eagerly celebrated you with people and have sadly shared you’re gone. 

Keep praying. Cry. Remain hopeful.

Don’t ever give up on the family you desire.  #pregnancyloss #thrusaleizeyes #atribeformoms 

Update: Since this post, I experienced another miscarriage. Back to back miscarriages are tough. I was more prepared to cope with pregnancy loss the second time around, but it was still a difficult experience. Find positive ways to cope. We are not alone. I am also happy to announce that 2019 ended with the birth of our beautiful daughter Nadia. We are truly blessed.